I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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