There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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