my being single is dangerous.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
