Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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