yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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