I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
