he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Damn victory sex feels great
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