How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dignity is for republicans.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
