Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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