Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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