i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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