got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
