My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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