I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
