You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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