it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
