put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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