I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
