I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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