Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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