I can tuck mytits in my pants
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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