I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize