I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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