So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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