Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
