she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
