how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
