kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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