I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
