I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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