I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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