Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
