i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
God I need to hump something, right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize