I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
