it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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