is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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