just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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