We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize