Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
