So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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