Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
