I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize