i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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