Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
