happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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