OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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