There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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