it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
