I should be sponsored by Trojan
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
