Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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