After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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