and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
