I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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