guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
