i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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