I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
